Man of the House
by themaninthecouch
Summary: Lincoln learns what it means to be 'the man of the house', when his father teaches him how to protect his sisters.


It was only 10 am when Lincoln heard his father call for him.

"Lincoln, can you come here, please?"

He was still in his pajamas, attire he hoped to stay in until bedtime. He hoped his Dad didn't have any chores for him to do that would require getting dressed. He only got one Saturday a week, and he had planned on spending it nose-deep in comic books. His Dad's tone didn't suggest he was in trouble, but sometimes it was hard to tell.

Lincoln put his comic on his bed and peered out into the hallway. "Yeah, Dad?" he called over the normal ruckus of his house. His Dad was nowhere to be found.

"In here, son." The voice came from his parents bedroom, a place normally off-limits to all Louds, unless with permission from either parent. His sisters in the hallway fell deathly silent. Lola and Lana stopped fighting, Lynn stopped practicing her soccer drills, Luna paused her rocking, and even Lori's fingers fell silent on her phone. All eyes were on him. They all knew why children got called into their parents room.

Lincoln gulped. The only time he or his siblings were ever called into the bedroom was when they done something REALLY bad. He thought back frantically, trying to think of anything he did that might warrant this kind of retribution.

Nothing came to mind as he hung his head and walked slowly past his sisters, as if on his way to the electric chair.

"Dead Loud walkin!" Lana shouted as he passed. He wasn't even paying attention. All that mattered was what he did, and how he would survive whatever punishment meted out by his parents.

After what felt like a mile, he made it to his parent's bedroom and planted himself in the doorway.

It seemed his Mom was finishing up getting ready to go somewhere, while his Dad sat in an armchair next to a small table with a small safe Lincoln had never seen before sitting on it.

"I still can't believe you're going to do this. You know how I feel about those things," His Mom nagged as she finished putting on her earrings.

"Honey, it'll be fine, I know what I'm doing." His Dad turned his attention to him. "Son, come on in and shut the door."

His tone wasn't angry, but it usually wouldn't be until the door was closed. Not that it mattered, he knew his sister's were probably crowded around it, as many ears as can fit pressed against it.

Mr. Loud sensed the tension in his son. "Relax, Lincoln, you aren't in trouble."

Lincoln let out a huge sigh, letting his shoulders slump as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"But..." Lincoln put a finger to his chin. "If I'm not in trouble, why am I in here?"

"I'm taking the girls to Thai-Tanic for Lunch, and then to the park," His Mom interrupted. She kissed Lincoln on the forehead and turned to his Dad. "Both of you, promise me you will be careful, okay?"

The fear that had left him gradually began to creep back. Just what on earth were the two of them about to do?

"We'll be fine, I spent a year in the desert with that thing. I'm an expert," Mr Loud replied calmly but firmly.

Mrs. Loud didn't seem convinced, but she yielded all the same. She turned for the door, opening it to find exactly what Lincoln expected (and had done himself when one of his sisters was in his position), every sister huddled around the door, now trying to pretend they weren't just eavesdropping.

"Girls!" Mrs. Loud admonished. "You know better than to eavesdrop! Now get dressed, we're going to lunch and then the park so you can burn off some of this energy."

"What about Lincoln?" Lucy asked in her trademark emotionless tone.

"He'll be staying here with your father."

Lynn burst through the pack of Louds, stopping just short of the doorframe to the forbidden room.

"Dad, please don't kill Lincoln! I don't know what he did, but I'll never find another willing tackling dummy!"

The rest of his sister echoed similar sentiments before Mom Loud quieted them down.

"Will you all hush? Nothing bad is going to happen to Lincoln." She turned back to glare at her husband, "Right?"

"Yes, now please stop worrying and go."

Mom turned back to the girls and lead them away, each sister's eyes wide with fear and uncertainty, with the exception of Lori. She seemed to know something the others didn't.

"Good Luck Lincoln, make sure you hold on tight, and don't close your eyes," Lori said, making a finger gun at him and winked before following her sisters.

'What the heck is that supposed to mean?!' he thought, turning back to his father, now more confused than ever.

"There, now that the girls are out of the house, I'm sure you're wondering why you're here."

Lincoln simply nodded, acutely aware of his now bone dry mouth.

His Dad smiled. "Son, you're getting older, and a bit more mature, so I feel like it's time to give you a bit more responsibility."

Lincoln's shoulders fell. Why did his Dad call him into his room and deprive him of lunch just to give him more work?

"More chores?" Lincoln moaned.

"Not exactly..." Mr. Loud said, producing a small, oddly shaped key. "When your mother and I aren't here, you know Lori's in charge."

"Yeah," Lincoln agreed, still unsure of where his father was going with this as Mr. Loud inserted the key into the safe and turned. The clunk of the tumblers releasing filled the otherwise quiet room. Maybe he was going to give him an old watch or something?

"But, she's not the man of the house. You are. Now, that doesn't mean you can challenge her authority, but it does mean that you have to protect your sisters, from Lili to Lori."

Lincoln raised an eyebrow. "Me? Protect Lori? From what?"

His father opened the safe, though it was still too dark to see what was inside it, other than two small red and grey boxes stacked on top of each other.

"Anything and anyone that might hurt them, because that's the man of the house's job."

Lincoln was still confused. Lori and the rest of his older sisters were way bigger and stronger than he was. What could he do against something that could hurt them?

"But, Dad, they're already taller and stronger than I am, how could I do anything?"

Mr. Loud smiled, reaching inside the safe and removing something Lincoln had only seen in comics and movies. It glistened in the light, a thin coating of oil making it shine like polished steel. His eyes went as wide as his sister's had earlier.

"Do you know what this is, son?"

Lincoln swallowed, but his dry mouth produced hardly anything to send to his stomach. "A gun?" he whispered, still amazed.

"True, but more specifically, this is an M9 Beretta, I carried one just like this during my time in the Army," he said, releasing the magazine and clearing the chamber, the mechanical sounds of metal on metal startling Lincoln.

"And guess what you're going to learn how to do with it, today?"

Even though the answer was obvious, he couldn't muster the words to reply.

His Dad just smiled, mussing his sons hair. "You're going to learn to use it. You asked earlier how you were supposed to protect your sisters while I'm gone, well..." His father twirled the pistol around, handle facing Lincoln, holding it out to him.

Lincoln hesitated, before grasping the handle. It felt huge and heavy in his hands. How could he ever hope to manage such an unwieldy weapon?

"Ah, ah, keep your finger off the trigger until you are ready to shoot," his father corrected, Lincoln quickly removed his finger from the trigger and placed it along the guard.

Mr. Loud pulled a plastic blue suitcase from beneath the bed and opened it. He put two magazines in the case, as well as a box of bullets. Mr. Loud took the gun and placed it in its case. "Now, today I'm going to teach you how to use this weapon in case of an emergency, which is why we're going to the indoor range on Park street."

Lincoln was floored.

"You mean, there's a place where you're allowed to shoot guns inside?"

His Dad chuckled. "That's right. I go there about once a month to practice," He bent down to Lincoln's eye level. "Now something I need you to understand before we start, Lincoln, is that this is not a toy. The only, and I mean ONLY, time you are ever to handle this weapon without me is if there is someone in this house that you know shouldn't be here, and you have exhausted all other options. You are to use this to protect your sisters, understand?"

Lincoln nodded, the gravity of what his Dad had just said to him slowly sinking in.

"Good," Dad reached into his pocket and produced a copy of the key he used to open the safe and put it in Lincoln's hand. "Because if I find out you've been in here without my permission, you will be grounded until you're older than I am, understand?"

He nodded rapidly.

"Great, now go put some clothes on, I'll be in the car."

Part 2

Lincoln and his Dad found themselves in their lane at the indoor range, a paper target in a vague outline of a human hung about 25 meters away from them. At his Dad's insistence, Lincoln wore two sets of ear protection, and shooting glasses. His father had already put one magazine down range, hitting the ten ring with every shot. They changed out the targets, and now it was Lincoln's turn. When his Dad fired, he could feel the concussion from the rounds in his chest, blinking after every shot, even though he was standing well behind his father.

It scared him a little bit. Even through the earplugs, he could tell the weapon was loud. He stepped up to the pistol as it lay on the firing table. Two magazines sat beside it, bolt held open as it waited for his hand. Lincoln tried to calm himself, but he could feel his heart in the back of his throat. He gripped the pistol, steadying his hand as he grabbed a magazine with the other, feeding it into the handle until he felt it 'click' into place.

He tried to close the bolt with his thumb, but he didn't have the strength to trigger the release. Instead, he pulled back on the slide and let go, chambering a round. He had to admit, that felt cool. He took his eyes off the weapon and looked downrange. The target seemed way farther away than it had when he first walked up.

Lincoln recalled what his Dad had told him to do. "Hold it with both hands, gripping it tightly, but not in a death grip." He seemed to be having trouble with that bit. He had seen the recoil when his Dad fired it, and he didn't want to disappoint his father by having his gun go flying out of his hands on his first shot.

"Take a deep breath, exhale slowly. Line up your shot, squeeze, don't pull the trigger. Remember son, slow is smooth, smooth is fast."

That didn't really seem to make sense to him, but he tried to do it regardless.

Recoil rocked his wrists, the muted pop thumped his chest, and the smell of gunpowder curled his nose. One round shot, seven rounds to go.

His day at the range started out a bit rough, but once the ammo was spent, he actually managed to put a few rounds in the center of the target.

On the drive home, he sat quietly, looking out the window and thinking of all the incredibly unlikely scenarios in which he would have to use his Dad's gun.

"So, did you learn anything today, son?"

Lincoln turned to face his Dad.

"Yeah, I had fun!" He paused, thinking back to what Lori had said to him before they left. "Hey, Dad, have you ever taken anyone else to the range?"

Mr Loud smiled as he drove. "Actually, I have."

"Lori, right?" Lincoln completed.

"That's right. She wasn't too bad, but she wanted nothing to do with it after one trip."

"But, I thought you were teaching me because I'm the man of the house while you're gone? Why did you teach her, too?" he asked, a bit crestfallen.

"Because she'll be graduating high school soon, and going off to college. Even if she doesn't like them, I felt like it was important for her to know how to defend herself." His Dad looked at him. "But I taught you for the same reason I told you earlier. When I'm not here, you have to protect the house, and your sisters."

Lincoln nodded. "So, did you do the same with Leni?"

Mr. Loud delivered his answer with a single 'are you serious?' stare.

"Luna?"

"No, I'm sure Luna, Luan or Lynn wouldn't want anything to do with it."

Lincoln helped his father clean the pistol and put it away. The girls hadn't come back yet, so the house was unusually quiet.

"Son, I know you don't have a keychain, so you can use these to keep track of the key to the safe," His father said, handing him a set of dog tags.

Lincoln held them in his hands, holding them up to the light to read the engraving.

"L. LOUD, BLOOD TYPE -O, 154-85-9985"

His Dad opened the chain and slid the key around it before handing it back to Lincoln.

"Thanks Dad, I promise I won't lose it!"

"I know you won't, bud. Now, your mother will be home soon, and she'll be eager to know you didn't come back with any extra holes."

NEARLY A MONTH LATER...

Lori was in charge once again. His parents were headed on a cruise for a week, and it was night two of the reign of empress Lori.

At first, Lincoln and the rest of his sisters protested to go with them. However, they explained it was for adults only, which made even less sense to them. They refused to explain further.

Lynn, however, was never one to take 'because I said so' for an answer. Through some clever rooting around, she managed to find a brochure.

"Guys, look at this!" she called from her room. Her sisters and Lincoln piled into Lynn and Lucy's room as Lynn waited with the brochure.

"Look how much fun they're gonna have!" Lynn said, holding the brochure out for her siblings to read.

"Wow, it says it's a swingers cruise! I bet they'll be swing dancing all night!" Leni cheered, her hands clasped together.

"Oh my god, gross!" Lori gagged, sprinting from the room and into the bathroom.

"Huh, must've been something she ate," Lincoln reasoned, joining in the outrage. However, their anger was moot, their parents had already left.

Once everything had calmed back down the Loud siblings fell to the sleep monster one by one.

Lincoln lay on his bed in classic comic book reading attire. His door was open, but he was sure most, if not all of his sisters were asleep by now. He continued his Ace comics by the light of the lamp beside his bed. He felt his eyes get heavy as he struggled to read.

He clicked off his lamp and set his comic on the nightstand. He was out within minutes.

Lincoln seemed to have just made it to sleep when a noise from downstairs woke him.

"What was that?" he mumbled to himself, still half asleep. After all, he was in that weird stage between being asleep and awake. Maybe he had simply imagined it?

Another thump, this time he was sure he heard it.

His heart leapt in his throat. Maybe it was just Lynn rummaging in the fridge for a midnight snack? He hoped that was the case as he peeked his head into the hallway. No sisters, and no evidence of Lynn leaving her room. Lincoln felt his pulse quicken, sweat forming on his brow. He crept out of his room to the stairwell.

No refrigerator light.

No Lynn.

He squinted in the darkness. A shadowy figure clad in all black seemed to fumble blindly around his living room.

Lincoln nearly screamed out in terror right then and there. But he held it together. He remembered what his father told him that day at the range.

He only had a few seconds to protect his sisters. Calling the cops might give away their presence, plus it may take them time to get to the house, plenty of time for this creep to hurt one or all of his sisters, himself included.

All options had been exhausted. He grabbed the key around his neck. He took a deep breath, and quickly, yet quietly snuck to the other hallway closet where his father had stored the safe before he left. He just prayed the normally squeaky hinges stayed quiet if he pushed on them softly.

His prayers were answered as the door opened. The burglar still seemed distracted by banging his shins on the coffee table and whispering curses under his breath.

Lincoln opened the closet, the safe sitting on the floor. He removed the necklace and put the key in the lock. In no time, he held the pistol in his hand. The familiar weight and chill of the steel in his hand did nothing to calm his nerves.

He loaded a magazine, and cocked, back the slide, forgetting how much noise it made. He listened nervously for footsteps. The commotion downstairs had stopped. He clicked the safety off, his finger resting on the trigger guard as he peeked into the hallway.

"Still clear," he muttered to himself.

He padded out of his parents room and against the hall, following it until he was at the stairwell again.

He steeled himself to turn the corner when a door opening behind him nearly scared him out of his underwear.

"Lincoln, what are you—" Lynn's eyes widened as she realized what he was holding. "Dude, is that a gun?!"

"Yes, now will you be quiet, there's a burglar in the house!"

Lynn seemed to completely miss the point of her brothers reply. "Dude, where did you get a gun?"

"Lynn! That's not important right now! What is important is that you—"

Lincoln's angry whispering was cut short by the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. Both Lynn and Lincoln looked at each other, terrified.

They were both paralyzed with fear. Lincoln looked into Lynn's eyes.

He could see the normally tough girls demeanor shatter. She was afraid, just like he was. Something about that fear woke something inside of Lincoln.

Anger.

This creep broke into their house, and was now trying to come up here and do God knows what to his family, his sisters!

No. Not if he had anything to say about it.

He took a deep breath, raising the weapon to his nose. He sprang around the corner, flipping the light switch on with one hand before placing it back on the gun.

What felt like whole minutes actually happened in the course of a few seconds as he remembered what his father had taught him.

A man in all black with a black ski mask stood, seemingly startled a few steps from the bottom of the stairs.

Lincoln leveled the weapon on the intruder. He exhaled, lined up his shot, took his time, put his finger on the trigger, and squeezed.

The recoil surprised him, the smell of gunpowder greeted his nose, and he heard nothing but a high pitched ringing in his ears. His eyes refocused on his target as the burglar clutched his shoulder.

"Holy crap, Lincoln shot me!" the burglar shouted.

Lincoln lowered the gun, but heard his name through his tinnitus.

By now, all of his sisters were in the hallway, in various states of disbelief.

"The robber knows my name?" Lincoln said to himself as the ringing in his ears began to subside.

"Dude, you wasted that guy!" Lynn shouted in a tone mixed with shock and awe.

"What?" he asked, turning back to Lynn before noticing the 'robber' had removed his mask.

"Oh my God, I shot Bobby!" Lincoln gasped in horror.

Lori's boyfriend Bobby lay bleeding on their living room floor.

"Lincoln!" Lori shouted, dashing out of her room, more than ready to ground Lincoln for the rest of his natural born life when she noticed Bobby. "Bobby!" she dashed down the stairs to comfort Bobby. Leni came out of the bathroom with a pillow, hearing all the commotion.

"I heard fireworks, is it forth of July already?" she asked, looking down the stairs at Bobby. "Hi Bobby! What are you doing down there covered in ketchup?"

"That's not ketchup," Lucy said, a small smile across her lips. "That's his life force slowly leaving him." She turned to Lincoln. "Please, tell me what it's like to take a life."

"Bobby, you idiot! The fantasy was that you'd come through MY window, not the front door!" Lori shouted.

"But I didn't have a ladder!" Bobby wheezed, his lungs filling up with blood.

"Bobby, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to shoot you!" Lincoln pled as he came down the stairs with the rest of his sisters.

Bobby leaned his head up and smiled at Lincoln. "It's not your fault, bro... but if you don't mind could you... you know... call an ambulance?"

"Right!"

In no time at all, the paramedics arrived on scene and stabilized Bobby. The entire Loud family waited on their front lawn as the flashing red lights illuminated their tired faces. Lincoln stepped towards the gurney Bobby was laying on. "Bobby, I'm SO sorry I shot you, I just thought you were a burglar, and—"

"Dude, it's okay. The docs say I'll be okay, plus it'll leave an awesome scar!" He replied.

"So... what were you doing?" Lincoln asked.

"Yeah!" his sister's echoed behind him.

Lori's cheeks flushed red, as did Bobby's. "I.. uh... was gonna surprise Lori with a 137 day anniversary!"

"Really?" Leni gasped. "That's so romantic!"

"Actually," Lisa stepped forward to state her theory. "even with Lori and Bobby's propensity for spontaneous and arbitrary celebrations of their relationship, it seems unlikely that the sole reason Bobby was sneaking into Lori's room was simply to wish her a happy—"

"Ahaha, such an imagination on this one!" Lori laughed, covering Lisa's mouth. "Alright, let's let the paramedics do their job! I'll visit you in the hospital Bobby!" Lori called over her shoulders, ushering her sisters back inside the house. The ambulance pulled away as a police officer approached him.

"Mr. Loud, since you decided not to press charges, we're returning your pistol to you. Which, as a police officer, it's against my better judgement to give a firearm back to an 11 year old, but I understand your father was in Desert Storm, and I respect that."

The officer gave Lincoln the weapon back as he walked back toward the front door.

"Uh, officer? Nothing bad is gonna happen to Bobby, right?"

"No, unfortunately, being an idiot is only illegal in certain states. He'll be free to go as soon as he heals."

"Okay." Lincoln pushed the door open, eyes fixed on the pistol in his hands.

"Lincoln?"

He looked up and saw his sisters waiting for him in the living room.

"Lori... I'm sorry I almost killed your boyfriend," he mumbled.

To his surprise, Lori wasn't mad. In fact, neither was any of his sisters.

"Lincoln, even though it wasn't a burglar, I'm proud of you for doing what you did," Lori said.

"Yeah bro, you totally went John Wick on Bobby!" Luna added.

"John Wick? The guy who makes those amazing smelly candles?" Leni asked.

"No. I believe she's referring to the movie involving a hitman going on a homicidal rampage as he avenges the death of his dead wife's puppy," Lisa replied.

Lincoln looked at the group assembled before him and smiled. "I... I just thought that he... he might hurt one of you guys, and if I had a chance to stop him, I had to at least try. I love you guys."

A collective 'Aww' ensued as they group hugged.

While Dad was away, Lincoln was man of the house. It was his job to protect his sisters, from burglars, dumb ass boyfriends, and one pretending to be the other.

"Lana, Lola, stop touching the gun."


End file.
